Tales of Space.

In the deepest reaches of space, a ship drifted idly. Upon first glance, it seemed like a badly misshaped walrus, but on closer inspection belied a certain sluglike quality. It was old, a couple of years past the expiration date. Its captain was a crusty man around the age of 40, though the bad teeth made him seem older. He talked in a thick accent, more at home to the ancient seas of Earth than the deep of space. He wore a battered old hat, a captain’s hat of ancient sea voyages. He filled his ship with old trinkets from those ancient voyages, old artifacts that museums would kill for if they knew where they were. Officially he was a trader, a transporter of goods and people. Unofficially, he took those jobs that most other, saner, traders did not.

His ship had three passengers, three people now also adrift in space, due to the failure of the power cells. The first was a doctor, a bedrock of calmness whose seemingly only flaw was that unnerving glint of madness in his eye. He was fleeing a planet
whose rather strict ethics laws made it illegal to kill a person for spare parts.

The next passenger was a henchman for a criminal overlord. He was small, pasty, and rather annoying. He held a briefcase. In this briefcase was the most terrifying weapon known to man, The What If Machine. This machine played out hypothetical situations,
unfortunately they all ended with the machine becoming supreme overlord of the galaxy.

Finally there was a recent graduate of the MacGavier School of Creative Engineering. He could make a toaster out of nothing more than some plywood, an atom smasher, and a small petri dish.

They drifted for a time, until the Engineer figured out how to hook up the stereo system to the power cells, thus powering the ship by sound. They bickered somewhat about how they should go about making noise, until the Henchman had the idea of telling stories to pass the time. The Engineer hooked up the room with microphones. They drew straws; the Doctor drew the short straw. And so he began….

Chapter I: The Rise of the Carnivorous Mutant Shoe People of Sockan III

By the Doctor and the Henchman

Ten years ago in a small and unimportant star system, on a small and unimportant planet, there lived creatures that bore a remarkable resemblance to socks. These socks flopped about in blissful abandon through their cities. They did however tend to develop painful holes in their toes. Then one sock had an idea: why not wear the hollowed out shell of one of the socks herd animals, shoes?

Oh! Then he took his posse out to the pasture, right doc? And there he blasted a shoe with a Z-grade laser pistol! And then he told his posse to dig out the insides so that he could be all snug and stuff. When he got inside, he discovered that he could walk around and not get holes in his feet! He decided to sell it cause it was going to make him rich!

Continuing on, yes he did start selling the hollowed out shells and he did start making profits. However, people began crying out for more and better shoes. This lead to an intensive selective breeding program, which was followed by a crash course in genetic manipulation. Huge slaughterhouses, genetics factories, and shoe stores popped up all over the globe. High heels, tennis shoes, platform shoes, dress shoes, slippers, sandals, they all were sold and all were mass produced.

But one shoe, he got an idea! The socks had accidentally made him really smart. He was a dress shoe, and he realized that he was being oppressed. So he began to organize a rebellion. He escaped the slaughterhouse and started springing his pals from the joint. Together they all started getting weapons. They were going to form an army!

This army became highly trained; they all went to boot camp. Har har har. The socks never suspected what was going on underfoot. Until it was too late. Huge sock eating boots invaded every major city on the planet, followed by shock high heeled troops. The shoes trampled and ate any and all socks that they could find. It was a slaughter. Almost overnight the dominant species of the planet was changed. Now shoes hunt down socks for sport, and socks are treated like cattle.

End Chapter I


“That be a mighty borin’ story, lads.” Arghed the Captain, “ Let me tell ye of mighty deeds and adventures on the spaceways!” He inhaled deeply, obviously about to embark on his tale, when the Engineer spoke up.

“I could make you a story, all I need is a couple of tin cans and a slightly cracked egg.” The man had never learned decent social skills. The Captain, however pressed on, despite to sudden outburst, “I don’t be needin’ a story made lad! It’ll come in the tellin’! Now let me tell you of the great Barbarious Captain Rothnar the Brave…


Chapter II Rothnar and the Crabs Nebula

By The Captain with asides from the Engineer


Now, many years ago, when space was a youngin’, there lived the legendary Barbarian Captain Rothnar the Brave. He had slain many an evil and vile foe, and had claimed many a hidden fortune. He was loved an’ feared by all who knew him. Now, he was headin’ to the Crabs Nebula, a terrible place where no man had ever returned from. He was gonna be the farst man to ever cross it alive!

But, why would Matt do such a silly thing like that?

Be quite lad! Where did you get the name Matt from? Its Rothnar the Brave! Anyways, Rothnar approached the great Crabs Nebula, and when he did, he saw another ship. This ship was owned by Rothnar’s arch nemesis, Moothrax the Mad Cow! Moothrax called Rothnar over the comlink and called him a yellow bellied Tate. Rothnar burned with anger at the vile insults that Moothrax hurled at him. He declared that he would be the farst through the Crabs Nebula. Moothrax disagreed. Rothnar then went at full thrust through the nebula, putting Moothrax in the dust.

Moothrax? That is a rather silly name, I mean its just combining Moo and Anthrax into one word…Why not just call him Matt?
Shut yer bunghole ye scurvy ridden bilge rat! Let me tell me story! Rothnar raced through the interstellar dust, but no sooner had he pasted the pulsar in the center of the nebula than he encountered a most fearsome beast. With sharp pointy horns and Teeth that could rip a planet in two! The Destroyer of Worlds and The Eater of Tin Cans! The Giant Space Goat of the Crabs Nebula!
Ok that is just silly! A giant planet eating space goat? What kind of person thinks up this sort of stuff?

Ar! If ye interrupt me one more time, I’ll have yer gullet! Anyways, the space goat, believin’ that Rothnar’s ship was a tin can, chased after Rothnar. Due to his quick thinking, Rothnar fired his Wiffle Bat Torpedo of Mild Goat Agitation + 23. It simply agitated the Space goat however. Rothnar pushed his ship to the limit. But the space goat was too fast, it was gaining on him. Then by a stroke of genius, Rothnar stopped, turned around, and flew under the giant space goat. He flew back to where Moothrax was plodding along. Moothrax was unaware of the immense horror that was chasing Rothnar and did nothing as Rothnar flew behind him, towards the pulsar. The space goat then burst into view, devoured Moothrax’s ship with its Giant Teeth of Chomping Pain! It still pursued Rothnar, even into the pulsar! Plasma jets spouted to and fro, Rothnar could barely avoid being vaporized by them. The space goat was not so lucky; it was consumed by the flames, vaporized by the plasma. Rothnar continued onwards to the center of the pulsar, where he discovered a planet!

A planet, in the center of a pulsar? That physically impossible!

It was a planet! Stop interrupting me story! A lush and beautiful world with the most wonderfully beautiful women in the universe. Rothnar was greeted like a god, showered with riches and women. He had a good time and stayed a while. The call of adventure was too great though. He embarked on another grand adventure, to defeat San Dracula, who gave presents to children and then sucked their joy from them.

And that was how Rothnar the Brave got crabs.

End Chapter II


“That wasn’t how it ended!” the Captain was indignant.
“Well I thought that it was a nice ending.” the Engineer replied.
The Henchman decided that now would be a good time to unveil the What If Machine. Maybe it could pass the time. He had no idea about the destructive capabilities of the machine. The Henchman opened his briefcase, and took out what appeared to be a TV screen.

“What’s that there?” the Doctor asked pointedly.
“It’s the What If Machine, it show hypothetical situations on the TV screen, see?” the Henchman smoothly replied.
“ Hey, why don’t we ask it about what would happen if we got stranded on a derelict ship!” the Engineer was proud of himself to make such a contribution.

The rest of the group looked at the Engineer somewhat annoyed. They tried to stop the What If Machine from telling such a sad tale, but it was too late. It had already begun…


Chapter III Captain Sherlock and the Ship Murders

By the What If Machine

“Gentlemen, what we have here is sabotage, ar” Captain Sherlock shifted his cap. It was plaid. He continued, “The power cells have been cut with a pair of rusty scissors that belonged to a one eyed man. I could tell by the way the wire sparks when I connected them back together.” He seemed smug.

“But sir, scissors couldn’t cut nutronium wires.” The Eager, Young Engineer protested.
“Aha! So you are the criminal!” Captain Sherlock pointed accusingly at the Eager, Young Engineer.
“What?! No! I was just pointing out that it couldn’t have been scissors, besides I was here the entire time, talking to you!”
“Perhaps, Captain, we should find the perpetrator rather that bicker needlessly.” Mad Doctor Watson was, ironically, the voice of reason. Captain Sherlock was about the object to the facts getting in the way of his deducing when an ear piercing scream ripped through the air. It came from the storage area. The three of them rushed to investigate.

What they found was the Expendable Henchman, lying near dead behind some boxes. There was a trail of bloody papers from him to the door.

“A clue! Obviously he fell while trying to escape my deductive skills!” Captain Sherlock was ecstatic.
“No!…Beware…of….the..Machine….it’s….insane…..” The Expendable Henchman died.

“Ha! He died in order to escape his guilt!” Captain Sherlock was incoherent with glee.
“Wait! He said that a machine did it, and look he has a major head wound. He couldn’t have gotten that from these boxes.” The Eager, Young Engineer theorized.

“Regardless, let me take him down to the cooler, else he’ll stink up the place.” Said Mad Doctor Watson as he lifted the carcass over his shoulder and left.

Captain Sherlock had whipped out his magnifying glass and was peering over the crime scene. He discovered a briefcase that had been torn to shreds, from the inside. Combining this fact with that of the bloody paper trail, he deduced: “It was an alien yeti!”
“A yeti? But it left a paper trail, besides what would a yeti be doing on our ship?”

“It’s obviously a alien paper yeti! The paper is its skin that got peeled off during the fight.” Captain Sherlock said airily.
The Eager, Young Engineer stared blankly at him for several moment, almost said something, and thought better of it.

A crash was heard from the Med Lab. The pair rushed to the scene. Once there they discovered a herd of noses running away. They were Mad Doctor Watson’s experiments. Their gaze fell back to the place the noses were running from. It was Mad Doctor Watson, covered in snot, and badly beaten.

“I was killed by a pun…I die happy…” were his last words.
“He died from a runny nose…how sad.” Eulogized Captain Sherlock.
“He shouldn’t even have been in here. He was taking the body back to the cooler. Something must have lured him here and then set the noses on him. See there is another paper trail. It must be the killing machine.” Said the Eager, Young Engineer, “And these papers lead back too…the cooler!” He ran for the cooler.

“Wait, you don’t know how to deal with alien paper yetis!” Cried Captain Sherlock as he chased after him.
Once in the cooler, they saw what seemed to be a combination of a fax machine and a TV, with 6 spiderlike mechanical legs, and two long pincers arms. It looked almost exactly like the What If Machine. It was searching the dead Expendable Henchman, until it noticed them. It spewed out papers at them, distracting them for a moment, then jumped over them and slammed the door, locking Captain Sherlock and the Eager, Young Engineer inside. The thermometer dropped to close to absolute zero.

Meanwhile, the distress signal that the ship had been broadcasting attracted another ship. The What If Machine was ready from it and overpowered the occupants. It began to make copies of itself, and spread out like a disease all across the galaxy, wiping out all organic life in its path, till nothing but it and its clones remained.

End Chapter III

The group looked amongst itself. They looked at the What If Machine. The last story was rather disturbing. The Doctor spoke first “The airlock is just down the hallway, correct?” he enjoyed puns, but not lethal ones.
“Ay, it is.” The Captain replied, he eyed the machine warily.

By now, enough power had accumulated to power the hyper drive. It blasted off, to deliver its cargo, save one.
A box drifted idly.

END